these days I've spent some time on intraspection. I've turned the french fry warmer light inwards and examined all there is inside. Not much. Heart. Lungs. Kidneys. (Keep workin' babies!) Little more than sacks of meat, vitals, vittles for fish and dogs. Maybe cats. My cat would probably not eat me and my internals, but there are probably some out there who would. Bad kitties.
these days i've spent those hours, contemplating job, resources, wealth, value, and goals. I realize I have no goals to guide me. Ordinarily, this would be a shock. Years ago, when in school, I had a goal. Graduate. When that time came, I moved on to another type of school. Once I got to graduate school, I got the feeling I should probably try some other goals. I tried. Failed. Very ordinary story so far, I'm sure.
hence these days spent on intraspection. is that even the right word? goodness knows I could look it up. there is only one high quality free dictionary on the web, BTW. Find those guys, those Noah Webster descendants. I was always a bad speller, just good enough, but never perfect. Very ordinary speller. Maybe not too bad. Maybe just not confident. I never paid too much attention to the words I spelled right, and too little to all the words I'll never know how to spell. Hence the online dictionary trend.
so the intraspection. What did I learn. No goals to speak of, except: make money, love thy offspring, and don't forget to scoop. These are the things, sadly, that form and frame my life. Make money. So sad. Never gonna make enough. What is enough? More than I'm making now, I guess. The scoop is for my loved one, a tight scooping regime is required for her sanity...surprisingly not for my own. I do that for her, and insist I do it for myself. I guess in a way I do it for us. When I forget, I haven't done it for anybody. If you understand that, you understand me. Nobody does, so don't feel bad. I won't hold it against you, eventhough others do. ...no, I'm just kidding. Nobody holds it against you. Except a few folks here and there. Don't fret.
The offspring is the center - the be all of my soul. The frisky cat toy to my feline mind. The nip that tips and makes us giddy. The characteristic air of freshness that invigorates and enboldens us to do more, with less, and accomplish every curiosity as if it were an easy to climb tree. Up we go, seldom falling, always hanging on to the limbs with smiles on our faces, feet and arms dangling. Like monkeys. Ah. To go to the zoo and watch those guys just hanging around. They're crazy - why wouldn't they be without newspapers or tv or the radio...although they might here the radio somewhere...that probably keeps some of them sane some of the time. They're crazy, but they seem to have fun. I doubt they're depressed all year or even for months on end.
I've only been depressed for a week now, maybe just a few days. It's getting better, I can see I'll get out of the funk. Spring is here. We can all go for a ride.